Just Another Marauder Fic?
by sinnamonkat
Summary: The Marauders read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone! Just a random bit of insanity I cooked up.
1. Muggle Rubbish

Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own Harry Potter. I suppose it's just as well, though, since I'm a terrible writer…cries   
  
It was the last day of the Easter holidays and the Marauders—James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew—were sprawled out lazily on the grass outside Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Spread out across the grounds were the handfuls of people who hadn't gone home but had remained at the school over the holidays. Most of the students had preferred spending their last day of vacation taking advantage of the good weather to staying inside the castle.   
  
James Potter made a huge show of stretching and yawning, rumpling his jet-black hair so that it stuck up even more than usual. "I'm bored," he declared, sighing and leaning back.   
  
"Well, then we can all go to the library so you lot can finish your homework," Remus suggested. He had obviously been waiting for a chance to say this, for he looked toward each of his three best friends expectantly.   
  
"Yes, let's go," said Peter Pettigrew, who had always been rather hopeless at his schoolwork. "You can help me on that Potions essay on Veritaserum, I haven't a clue how shredded liverwort contributes to its properties," he said, looking hopeful.   
  
"But it's such a nice day out," James whined. Indeed, the sunny climate coupled with the sounds of laughter and amiable chatter contributed to a generally happy atmosphere.   
  
"Oh, come off it," Remus said, looking slightly annoyed. "You're the one who said you were bored, so why don't we all go while no one's in the library? Honestly, vacation's nearly over and none of you have even started…"   
  
Sirius Black sighed. "I s'pose you're right, Moony. I mean, we'll have to get started eventually."   
  
"It's settled, then," Remus said with an air of finality, and the four of them headed off to the library.   
  
**later—at the library**   
  
James sat idly twirling his wand. The Marauders had all been waiting a while for Peter to finish his homework. Remus was curled up with a book and Sirius had wandered off into the shelves somewhere.   
  
Suddenly, he heard, "OY, PRONGS! Take a look—"   
  
But Madame Pince got there first. "What are you doing?! Yelling in the library, get out, now!" She chased all four of them out the door, muttering darkly.   
  
"I didn't even get to finish," Peter said in a pained voice.   
  
**later—in the Gryffindor common room**   
  
"What was it you wanted to show me back in the library?" James asked curiously.   
  
Sirius smirked. "Behold," he said, "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone!" He whipped out a book, seemingly out of nowhere.   
  
James stared. "And this is impressive why?"   
  
"My dear Jamesey-poo, I would've thought it was quite obvious. After all, not a lot of people are named Potter, are they?"   
  
"Look at the label, Padfoot, it's from the Muggle Fiction section, so it obviously has nothing to do with me. The name 'Potter' is just a coincidence. Any dunderhead would know that but you," James said dismissively.   
  
But to his horror, Sirius began reading the book loudly. The few people remaining in the common room stared.   
  
"Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn't hold with such nonsense."   
  
Remus, who'd abandoned his book, elbowed Sirius in the ribs. "It's just Muggle rubbish. James is right, this obviously has nothing to do with him, so if you want to read it then quiet down, please."   
  
Acting as if he hadn't heard, Sirius continued, "Mr. Dursley was the director of a firm called Grunnings, which made drills. He was a big, beefy man with hardly any neck, although he did have a very large moustache. Mrs. Dursley was thin and blonde and had nearly twice the usual amount of neck, which came in very useful as she spent so much of her time craning over garden fences, spying on the neighbors. The Dursleys had a small boy called Dudley and in their opinion there was no finer boy anywhere."   
  
Remus and James both sighed impatiently, and James wondered how long this would last before one of them snapped and hexed Sirius.   
  
"The Dursleys had everything they wanted, but they also had a secret, and their greatest fear was that somebody would discover it. They didn't think they could bear it if anyone found out about the Potters."   
  
Remus snorted in spite of himself. "No I don't think I could bear it either, if anyone were to find out about those nasty Potters." Peter, distracted from his homework, laughed until James silenced the both of them with a glare.   
  
"Mrs. Potter was Mrs. Dursley's sister, but they hadn't met for several years; in fact, Mrs. Dursley pretended she didn't have a sister, because her sister and her good-for-nothing husband were as unDursleyish as it was possible to be. The Dursleys knew that the Potters had a small son, too, but they had never seen him. This boy was a nother good reason for keeping the Potters away; they didn't want Dudley mixing with a boy like that."   
  
Sirius, Remus, and Peter broke down in peals of laughter. "Wouldn't want my kids mixing with James either," Sirius joked.   
  
"Well, go on," Remus urged. The Marauders were clustered around Sirius, and they were beginning to develop an interest in the book; if anything, it was an opportunity to tease James.   
  
"When Mr. and Mrs. Dursley woke up on the dull, gray Tuesday our story starts, there was nothing about the cloudy sky outside to suggest that strange and mysterious things would soon be happening all over the country. Mr. Dursley hummed as he picked out his most boring tie for work, and Mrs. Dursley gossiped away happily as she wrestled a screaming Dudley into his high chair.   
  
"None of them noticed a large, tawny owl flutter past the window.   
  
"At half past eight, Mr. Dursley picked up his briefcase, pecked Mrs. Dursley on the cheek, and tried to kiss Dudley good-bye but missed, because Dudley was now having a tantrum and throwing his cereal at the walls. 'Little tyke,' chortled Mr. Dursley as he left the house. He got into his car and backed out of number four's drive.   
  
"It was on the corner of the street that he noticed anything peculiar—a cat reading a map. For a second, Mr. Dursley didn't realize what he had seen—then he jerked his head around to look again. There was a tabby cat sitting on the corner of Privet Drive, but there wasn't a map in sight. What could he have been thinking of? It must have been a trick of the light. Mr. Dursley blinked and stared at the cat. It stared back. As Mr. Dursley drove around the corner and up the road, he watched the cat in his mirror. It was now reading the sign that said Privet Drive—no, it _looking_ at the sign; cats couldn't read maps _or_ signs. Mr. Dursley gave himself a little shake and put the cat out of his mind. As he drove toward town he thought of nothing except the large order of drill he was hoping to get that day."   
  
"Muggles," James sighed. "They'll go to any lengths to ignore magic, won't they?"   
  
"This _book_ is written by a Muggle," Remus said impatiently. "Goes by the name of J.K. Rowling."   
  
Sirius plowed on with his reading, still speaking rather loudly. The common room had emptied out, probably to give him a wide berth.   
  
A/N: This is my first Harry Potter fanfic, so if some of the characters seem wrong or the plot is terrible, feel free to flame me so that I may improve upon it. I honestly had no idea where this fic was going when I started it, but I have to say I'm pretty satisfied with this chapter, except for the fact that the lead-in was kinda long. I'm hoping there will be more commentary from the Marauders in the later chapters, since the first one is just an introduction. I'm sorry I didn't finish the first chapter of Harry Potter, but I just wanted to publish this and get feedback first so I can scrap it if it turns out to be bad. Does anyone think this is worth continuing? Please review. 


	2. It's a story about Hogwarts!

Author's Note: OMIGOSH sorry sorry sorry sorry! This fic hasn't been updated in nearly a YEAR! It's now in a sorry state of disrepair (cries). Yes, well, I've gotten my grubby little hands on a copy of _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone_, so there's no stopping me now! Thanks to anyone who's been patient enough to stick with me, and sorry to those who've abandoned me in disgust. 

disclaimer: No, I do not own Harry Potter -- not even a single Chocolate Frog to my name. 

"But on the edge of town," Sirius bellowed on, seeming oblivious to the inappropriateness of this activity during the dead of night, "drills were driven out of his mind by something else. As he sat in the usual morning traffic jam, he couldn't help noticing that there seemed to be a lot of strangely dressed people about. People in cloaks. Mr. Dursley couldn't bear the people who dressed in funny clothes -- the getups you saw on young people!" 

James, Sirius, and Remus exchanged puzzled looks. Here, in this stray little paperback, was an almost flawless description of wizards from a Muggle's point of view. What did it mean? Peter tugged urgently on each of their robes in turn, demanding to be let in on the joke: he had no idea why they should find the book's words curious at all. 

An awkward silence ensued, broken by Remus, who finally said, "Let me read that, Padfoot." 

The book changed hands, and the James heaved a sigh of relief -- Remus, at least, would not read in the annoyingly dramatic and overly loud manner that Sirius had. 

After a few uneventful paragraphs, James snatched the book away and started flipping through it idly. 

"What are you doing!" Remus demanded, looking shocked. 

"I'm looking for an interesting part, we're not going to sit here the whole night reading the entire book out loud," James said. 

"You can't do that!" Remus exclaimed, looking at James as though he'd uttered an unspeakable sacrilige. "Books are to be read from cover to cover!" 

"Wait a bit," said Sirius, frowning. He'd been looking over James's shoulder. "Go back a few pages, will you, Prongs?" 

"Look, it says 'Muggle'. Right there." His eyes widened, and he read the disturbing passage out loud: 

"He found it a lot harder to concentrate on drills that afternoon and when he left the building at five o'clock, he was still so worried he walked straight into someone just out the door. 

"'Sorry,' he grunted, as the tiny old man stumbled and almost fell. It was a few seconds before Mr. Dursley realized the man ws wearing a violet cloak. Me didn't seem at all upset at being almost knocked to the ground. On the contrary, his face split into a wide smile and he said in a squeaky voice that made passersby stare, 'Don't be sorry, my dear sir, for You-Know-Who has gone at last! Even Muggles like yourself should be celebrating, this happy, happy day!' 

"And the old man hugged Mr. Dursley around the middle and walked off." 

"You-Know-Who," James repeated, thoughtfully. "The Rowling can't mean Voldemort, can she? If the Muggles know --" 

Beside them, Peter jumped and looked around wildly, as if Lord Voldemort would suddenly appear beside them at the very mention of his name. 

"Don't be stupid, James," Sirius scoffed. "The book's obviously mislabled; there's no way a Muggle could've written this. Look at the chapter titles," he said, seizing the book and turning to the table of contents. "Chapter Five: Diagon Alley; Chapter Six: The Journey from Platform Nine and Three-quarters; Chapter Seven: The Sorting Hat; Chapter Eleven: Quidditch; Chapter Fifteen: The Forbidden Forest." Sirius trailed off, looking expectantly at his friends. 

Peter's eyes grew wide. "It's a story about Hogwarts!" he exclaimed excitedly, looking immensely pleased with himself for having caught on. 

"Why, so it is!" Remus said in an exaggeratedly surprised voice, keeping an absolutely straight face. Sirius and James sniggered. 

Sirius scanned the book, spitting out disjointed words at random: "Mrs. Dursley, Mr. Dursley, owls, Potters, Privet Drive," he muttered. James frowned. "Would you mind telling us what's going on?" 

Much to the collective dismay of all the occupants of Gryffindor Tower, Sirius started reading again in the same obnoxious voice he'd used earlier. 

"...the cat on the wall outside was showing no sign of sleepiness," he said, while the other three struggled to catch on after being forced to skip ahead some ten pages of so, "It was sitting a still as a statue, its eyes fixed unblinkingly on the far corner of Privet Drive. It didn't so much as quiver when a car door slammed on the next street, nor when two owls swooped overhead. In fact, it was nearly midnight before the cat moved at all." 

James muttered something under his breath that sounded strangely like "McGonagall". 

Author's Note: Oop ack. Again, major apologies for not updating. Sorry for skipping some stuff, there really wasn't alot to comment on, and typing up the story is surprisingly hard. Kudos to J.K. Rowling. Anyways, I know it's not quite as humorous as the last chapter, plus my writing style's evolved/changed quite a bit since when I wrote the last chapter. Yeah. Um, hopefully it won't be another year before I update this thing again. Review please! 

Much love.   
sinnamonkat 


	3. James and Lily Potter

Author's Rant: Hello there. (waves) Thanks for reviewing, people! It's been deeply appreciated. To the people who asked if Lily gets involved... well, you'll just have to find out now, won't you? (grin).\ 

disclaimer: I don't own it already! sobs 

"A man appeared on the corner the cat had been watching, appearing so suddenly and silently you'd have thought he popped out of the ground. The cat's tail twitched and its eyes narrowed. 

"Nothing like this man had ever been seen on Privet Drive. He was tall, thin, and very old, judging by the the silver of his hair and beard, which were both long enough to tuck into his belt. He was wearing long robes, a purple cloak that swept the gorund, and high-heeled, buckled shoes. His blue eyes were light, bright, and sparkling behind half-moon spectacles and his nose was very long and crooked, as though it had been broken at least twice. This man's name was Albus Dumbledore." 

"Aha!" James exclaimed, "So Dumbledore's in this book!" 

"Obviously," Remus muttered, rolling his eyes. James ignored him pointedly. "What if -- what if _we're_ in the book?" he continued excitedly. "I mean, the title does include 'Potter' --" 

"Oh, so _now_ he's the 'Potter' in the title?" Peter said, looking both very surprised and terrified -- he obviously did not speak up on his own very often. 

Sirius frowned thoughtfully. "You know, that's an idea there. Let's see," he said, skimming the next few pages. "Ah, the cat is McGonagall ... what do you know ... hmmm ... Voldemort's mentioned, seems that in this story he's just been defeated ... HEY!" he suddenly exclaimed, causing James and Remus to jump and Peter to fall out of the cair he'd been sitting in. 

"YOU'RE IN THE BOOK, PRONGS! Here -- listen -- the exact words are 'JAMES AND LILY POTTER'! Looks like you get lucky with Lils after all; if I'd written this I wouldn't have thought --" 

Sirius paused, confused. His words didn't exactly have the effect he'd expected; in fact, the three Marauders were frozen. James face had the distinct look of panic written on it. Slowly, he turned around -- and met the very green eyes of a certain Lily Evans. 

"Would you stop bellowing at the top of your lungs at this hour?" she demanded, glaring hotly at the four of them. "It's extremely rude, not to mention disgustingly immature. And Remus -- you're a _prefect_ -- why can't you set a better example?" 

"Ah, we were just reading," James said timidly, sounding very much as if he'd rather be in any situation in the world than this one. 

"Oh, really?" she snarled. "May I ask just what it is that you're reading? 'James and Lily Potter'," she quoted, doing a decent impression of Sirius's voice. "What is it, James's diary?" 

Even the dearest loyalty to their friend couldn't prevent Sirius, Remus, and Peter from sharing a laugh at the way James turned from pale to bright red at this statement. 

Much to James's abject horror, his friends didn't seem to think he'd been tortured quite enough. 

"How could she possibly have known he fancied her?" Sirius said in a loud whisper. "He's always been so subtle --" 

"Oh, come off it," Lily said, feeling a bit sorry for James despite herself. "What are you really reading?" 

Sirius held up the battered copy of _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone_. 

"That's a Muggle book," she said suspiciously. "They're all over the bookstores in London." 

"... though, I've never bothered actually reading it," she added a bit uncertainly. "Is it any good?" 


End file.
